For my first solo work, I traveled to Milan. The plan was to see what it was like to live in the city for a month. My agent at the time came with me for the first week which was great. She taught me how to use things like public transport and I was so much less nervous about my first agency appointment. The trip was also my first experience in a “model apartment”. It sounds fancy but it was really just five of us cramped together in one room. Thankfully there was another Dutchie and a Belgian girl who both saved my trip from being a complete disaster. We hung out in our free time and did all kinds of fun stuff. They’re basically the reason that I can look back on my time in Milan with a smile.

When I set out for Milan, that “comfortable” feeling I mentioned before, came with me. But this was put to the test on a daily basis. Sometimes I’d have 15 castings in a single day, running through the city like a crazy woman. And still, after two whole months in Milan, I hadn’t landed a single job.

I missed home, and every day I’d get more and more insecure. I would see other girls who were much skinnier landing jobs and think to myself - is that the reason why I’m not getting any work? I thought I was skinny? Do I need to lose even more weight?

The endless “no’s” came flying left, right and center, and I had a bit of an epiphany. I realized that I couldn’t change who I was. I was born with a certain frame and build and it was pointless comparing myself to other people. I decided then and there to get the best out of my trip. I made sure to enjoy not working by doing as many fun things as I could.

I’ve always been pretty good at putting things into perspective - even from a young age. But going back and forth between comfortable and insecure makes that really hard to do. It’s something that all of us feel, no matter what profession you’re in, but because modeling is about your appearance it just hits harder. The way you look is your business card. And if it’s not up to scratch, then the work won’t come.

I took this inner conflict with me all the way to New York when I moved there at age 18. Once again, I was staying in a house full of models and I hated every minute of it. I was in a house with 8 girls and not one of them was nice. We barely exchanged words and no one cleaned up after themselves. The apartment was dirty and dark, and there was absolutely no privacy because the doors had been replaced by red, see-through curtains. I also had no clue how anything worked in the city. For the first few days that I was there, I couldn’t figure out the logic of the streets, avenues, or subway. It was the middle of winter and freezing, and on top of it all, there was a crazy snowstorm. I’ve never felt cold like it. I didn’t want to be in the apartment…but I also didn’t want to be outside. My schedule was jam-packed with castings that didn’t seem to be going anywhere. It took me exactly one month and countless castings to land my first campaign which was for GAP. That gave me a much-needed boost. It was exactly what would help me find the motivation and fun that I’d lost along the way.

There were quite a few Dutch models in New York at the time, and it’s a well-known fact that they connect and get together. Hanging out with those girls transformed my New York experience. I’d finally found a group of people that I could share my insecurities and struggles with. They made me fall back in love with the city. We supported and lifted each other up. We pushed each other to give it our all and see everything in a more positive light. When you share your insecurities with other people and realize that they have them, too, then they don’t seem as bad.  

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During my first two years in New York, I used to fly back and forward to Europe for work. I’d usually take the opportunity to drop by my family for a few days. Saying goodbye never got any easier. I was also in a few relationships at the same time that made leaving even harder.

Around this time, I met Camille: a Belgian model who was already living by herself. Within the first few seconds of being together, we completely hit it off. It didn’t take long before we had moved in together in her tiny studio in the financial district. We had the best time. Eventually, I reached the point that I could also live by myself and rented a studio in the same building as her.

Camille was way more into make-up and skincare than I was. This definitely rubbed off on me. I guess she planted the seed for what would eventually bloom into fully-blown interest. She was also the reason I truly discovered New York. Together, we were unstoppable. It’s safe to say that without her, I would have never persevered and I can look back on 5 unforgettable years in the city because of our friendship.

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As time passed, I got to know myself better and better; what I believed in, what I liked and didn’t like. I’d finally uncovered an important piece of self-confidence and I threw myself into discovering even more. I learned to deal with situations better and stand strong on my own two feet. That’s not to say I still found it really hard to hear the “no’s” or struggle with pushing through if I was unsuccessful in something, like getting in shape. But I always persevered and got incredible things in return. Even if it was something as small as a compliment or good feedback, it motivated me to push forward. This is how I developed my career: both with setbacks and loads of amazing experiences.

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I’m so happy that I pushed through when I didn’t want to. It’s taught me something pretty incredible. And that is, being aware that I’ve been given the opportunity to experience things that not everyone is given.

To be continued…

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Click here to read part 3 of my journey to feeling Comfortable.